Orphan (*1/2)

Orphan. 122 mins. R. Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra. Written by David Johnson. Starring Vera Farmiga, Peter Sarsgaard, Isabelle Fuhrman, and CCH Pounder.

There are bad movies that are just boring. There are bad movies that are just bad. And then there's the special kind of bad movie - one that's so over-the-top and ridiculous that you can't help but be entertained by it. Orphan is the latter. Make no mistake - it's a terrible movie. Though produced by Leonardo DiCaprio (what?!) and Joel Silver, it's a derivative mess and apes every evil child scenario already seen in movies like The Good Son and The Omen. It's definitely not scary - director Jaume Collet-Serra fails to grasp even the most basic horror movie conventions. And to top it all off, there's a twist towards the end of the movie (I won't reveal it) that strains all credibility to the breaking point. And yet, despite all this, you'll still find yourself getting into it, wishing that evil Esther would get what's coming to her sooner rather than later. One wonders what talented actors like Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard are doing in schlock like this. Both do what they can with a borderline idiotic script, but nobody leaves this thing smelling like a rose. Well, maybe the make-up people. Given the ludicrous plot twist, they do a pretty decent job of bringing it to life. If you're in the mood for an unintentionally funny horror movie, go ahead and sign those adoption papers.

-John