House of Wax (*)

Having viewed this film in what can only be described as the best possible state of mind, i.e., filthy, stinking drunk, I can honestly say, well, not much. It is what it appears to be. I knew going in that nothing would happen for about 2/3 of the film's 90 minute running time, and I was right. The movie is content with showing pseudo-Blair Witch camcorder footage of the "stars" gallivanting around in the outdoors for what feels like an eternity. Then a truck comes, and, boy, are its headlights "scary." When those crazy kids finally get to the ghost town with the house of wax, we learn that the house is literally made of wax. Brilliant! In a way, this is pretty clever because it allows for a visually cool action-packed finish where the whole house is melting around the survivors as they try and fend off the killers. But who cares really? All you want to know is: Does Paris Hilton die? I assure you yes. She is impaled through the head with a giant white stick after having scampered around in red underwear. It's the one time this movie actually delivers the goods.